My November Update

I have been wrestling for quite some time with how to put my recent thoughts into a blog entry.  A blog written by my pastor Lloyd Shadrach today has finally pushed me to actually write.

Having grown up in the church, I have a "decent" head knowledge of what Christianity means.  I feel like I have a good basic understanding of some fundamental doctrines of the faith like justification, sanctification, and our redemption from sin.  Yet I've got very little heart knowledge of any of this.

I am quick to try and solve the problems of my sin on my own.  I am quick to become depressed when I cannot solve these problems.  I am far too self absorbed.  I do not rejoice in my own justification, sanctification, or redemption by the cross of Christ.  I do not live out a life that reflects any of this.

All of these thoughts have been stirring all this year and continually breaking me down.  I think it began for me when my girlfriend Laura began reading a book called "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne.  As she told me about its contents of radical love in the name of Christ my stomach sank.  As sick as it is, I wanted nothing to do with it.  I wanted to just live my happy middle class American life.  If I'm honest, I still do care more about that than helping others.

Then we began talking about the same thing at Fellowship on Sundays and reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love.  Bit by bit, week by week I have been worn down.  Some days I have missed the big picture of God and not remembered the grace he extends towards me in my weaknesses.  Some days I have felt strongly driven to help out my fellow man.

The problem though is that while I want to change these outward factors about myself so much, I'm not focusing on the inner problem of seeing myself properly in relation to God.  This is what Lloyd wrote about today, and this is where I want to find myself:

"For me it felt not so much like I was charging forward, as I was limping forward – broken, wounded, repentant and dependent. It is true isn’t it, unless He builds the house – the church, the people, the kingdom – we labor in vain. (Psalm 127:1) I’ve made a few “charges” in my lifetime and found that much of the progress I was making outwardly was not coming from changes God was making inwardly. I’m going to stick with my limp."

With this realization does come some pitfalls however.  I cannot take this to the extreme and use this as an excuse to not attempt to change my outward behavior.  I don't want to excuse myself and say "I'm busy working on my relationship with God right now so I can't help you."  I feel like this has been the story of my life so far.

I also cannot forget the exact words Lloyd used "the progress I was making outwardly was not coming from changes God was making inwardly."  I need to remind myself that it is God Himself indwelling in me that truly makes the changes.  I just need to seek out what he is doing in me and become more in tune with that.